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Fastest Man

Three boys are in the school's yard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says,
"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second boy says,
"Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and gets there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. He then says,
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops work at 5pm and he is home by 4:15pm."

Arrested for laughing! This is from an actual trial in the UK :

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................
She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.........!!!

A Blondie's Secret

At a dinner party several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a blondie guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so," responded the blondie. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the sky.

He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to god.

"God" he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, its about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, its a penny."

The man then asked,"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."

"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"

"Can you see the crompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. "Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?" "No"

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?" "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."

"No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage."

"A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too s***** to own a computer!"