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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help.

"Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"

"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting."

"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine."

"Why 3?", says the lad. "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks," replies the clerk.

"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad.

"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of the week." says the clerk.

"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad.

"Oh. You don't need that," says the clerk.

"Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."

"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

A man was speaking to God.

"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.

God said: "I did that to make you love them".

Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"

God said: "I did that to make you love them".

The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".

God said: "I did that to make them love you ! "

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off,
owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi.
Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in
the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your
village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety.
In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are
afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting
this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all
the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on our
out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request, we can a